Counseling Center for the Adoption Family

Tired and Bogged Down

Dear Dr. Katz
After searching for my biological father for two years I found him and we had a very satisfying reunion. I even found out that I had two sisters. After being an only child for thirty four years, I had the great joy of knowing that I have more family out there. Now I am feeling so unfinished and frustrated because life has already made so many decisions for me that can never be changed and I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I have feelings on many different levels. I feel fitful and frustrated about what I can not have and mournful about what I missed and feel I was entitled to. I even feel angry at my father for not seeking me all these many years. When I last spoke to him I sensed his wife resented my calling and intruding into his life. I sent to emails to my sisters but haven't received any reply or response so I don't know what to do next. The clock is ticking and my father is getting older every day and the chance to get to know him is slimmer and slimmer. I feel anxious and tired and bogged down and don't know how to keep the momentum going and would appreciate your feedback.
- Tired and Bogged Down

Dear Tired and Bogged Down
It was wonderful to hear from you. After reading your letter I can certainly understand why you feel that you have unfinished business. Having gone through a similar experience I can identify with you "having lots of feelings on all levels yet not knowing how you're supposed to feel". There are no rules about the "right" feelings other than accepting and understanding all of your feelings which you evidently are working on doing. There's a lot to sort out especially since it touches on your sense of personal identity. What you do seem clear about is that you want to call your father and get to know him better. He talks to you when you call and you both enjoy it. I think you should focus your energies on this goal. His wife has to deal with her loss of specialness/priority and needs time. The ball is in your sisters' court and they also need time to process it all. That's not your problem...you need to be communicating with your father.
- Dr. Katz